Often I think my face tells a story of joy. Many of those times my face is lying. I paint on a smile and a happy word for the world when inside my heart is racing, I'm not quite sure of what day it is, and sometimes I couldn't tell you what happened just an hour before with complete clarity.
This is the life of anxiety mixed with depression mixed with PTSD mixed with cluster migraines mixed with busy mixed with Mom'ing a toddler.
I struggle to make "self care" a priority when I am needed in other facets of my life - being a mom, being a wife, being a business owner, church, the foster care process, and being a friend. My dear WDD has reminded me over and over that when I'm not okay, none of those other aspects of my life are okay either. If I am suffering my many hats tend to tilt or fall off and get completely neglected.
Many years ago I spent hour upon hour sitting on a couch in a counselor's office delving into why I thought I was "going crazy" just to find out that no, there are names to these things and there are healthy ways to live with them we just have to find my triggers and hone in on some coping skills. (Of course there was a LOT more to it than that, but for time's sake there's the nutshell version) Thursday I start again on another journey of seeking professional guidance. I am equal parts excited and nervous. There is a lot at stake with being vulnerable. Here I type and it is an empty screen. There I sit, I speak, and make eye contact which somehow makes the words and emotions come alive more than when I put them on paper.
We sing a song in church that says:
"Lord I need you, oh I need you.
Every hour I need you.
When I cannot stand I'll fall on you.
Jesus you're my hope and stay."
This is my cry, my plea. When my days are blurs of tears, confusion, frustration, and fear, I know and can stand firm in that the Lord cares for me and is faithful. When I cannot stand, I can fall on him. My strong tower and ever present help in times of trouble. Where would I be without him?
Stay tuned.
