What If

I am queen of the "what if" game.  Truly.  I even read a book all about different "what if" scenarios and it was utterly fascinating.

We have recently been chosen by a birth mother to parent her child.  We were elated.  We were nervous.  We were amazed at how quickly we were chosen.  We were emmensly thankful.

We drove to meet our birth mother, which was new territory because we haven't had the priviledge to meet HW's birth mother.  We spent a couple of hours holding this precious miracle and talking to his birth mother and grandmother.  We got to know her.  She loves sushi like me.  She was in labor for three days before going to the doctor to find out she was already 3cm dialated 2 weeks early.  She was eating pizza when the pain was too much and decided to go to the doctor.  Her favorite color is blue.  She has an infectious laugh and beautiful tattoos, one being of sunflowers going down her arm.  She fights like cats and dogs with one of her siblings but only because they are so much alike.  She's never been on a vacation in her life.  She gave this baby a name based off of men in her life who meant something to her.  She has been hurt deeply in her life.  She loves this baby.  She showed us the picture that made her choose us from our profile.

We held this precious child with long fingers and a head full of hair.  He cooed at Derek's touch.  He calmed the moment he got into Derek's arms.  He wiggled and slept soundly.  He is beautiful.

With mere hours left in her relinquishment time we learned she decided to parent.

We changed family plans to prepare for this baby.  We discussed how to take pictures at my brother's wedding so he could be in them without violating the legal standards.  We prepared.  We dreamed of what life with two boys would be like.

We were left broken and empty.  I could not sit in the same spot where that picture was taken.  It pained, still pains, me to go into the nursery.  I began the what ifs.  What if I hadn't said we are dairy free knowing she loves pizza? What if we had chosen to use the name she picked?  What if we had never met her?  What if...

My big brother got married a week later.  It was beautiful.  It was perfect.  I cried all day out of joy for him but also out of loss for all of us.  We gained a beautiful and sweet sister but there was a void two-fold, Dad and baby boy.

For the past two weeks I've done everything to keep my mind and body busy knowing that I couldn't think on any of the joy or pitfalls at that moment for a myriad of reasons.  I now sit at my computer with music playing in the background and Laura Story's "Blessing" comes on.

     What if your blessings come through raindrops?
     What if your healing comes through tears?
     What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you are near?
     What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

Man, those what ifs are not what I had in mind.  Those what ifs are oh so accurate though.

     When darkness seems to win,
     We know that pain reminds this heart
     That this is not our home
     It's not our home

     What if my greatest disappointments
     Or the aching of this life
     Is the revealing of a greater
     Thirst this world can't satisfy

The ultimate answer to all of my what ifs is just that, there is a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.  My healing does not come from having a baby in my arms or my Dad to walk down an aisle.  Days are sometimes dark with sorrow of loss, but praise God this is not my home.  Praise God Dad is feasting at the ultimate wedding reception and joined with our savior.  Praise God that despite the pain this birth mother has been shown the one who can satisfy and baby B has been given life.