I need you

It is only fitting that the song playing in the background at this very moment is "Lord, I Need You" by Matt Maher.

And where you are

Lord, I am free

Holiness

Is Christ in me

I need you

Oh I need you

Every hour I need you

My one defense

My righteousness

Oh God, how I need you

When I cannot stand

I'll fall on you

Jesus you're my hope and stay

Mmmm, what rich rich words about promises fulfilled by our Lord.


Anybody can attest to the truth of life changing on a dime with something as simple as a phone call.  Ours did with the call that we had been chosen to be parents then again with the call that Derek had been pink slipped not once but twice and finally with a 3:30am call from my mom.

I knew the day would come that my phone would ring and someone would be on the other end telling me my dad had had a heart attack or a stroke.  I knew it, but I feared it all the same.  When that 3:30am call did come, I went on autopilot for the next ten days until his last breath was breathed.

We are now 49 days shy of one year since that final good-bye.  One of the hardest things has been to keep going.  Our life doesn't stop because his did.  Business doesn't slow down.  School doesn't stop.  Babies don't stop having birthdays.  Life continues no matter how dreary the days are or how hard Satan tries to steal your joy and your thoughts.  The best part about life continuing is that so does the Lord.  Praise God, good-bye for us was Welcome My Child for my dad.  He met his Lord face to face and I can hear his deep bass voice singing Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah even now.  Here on this dirty earth I can rest easy in, as Peter says in 1 Peter 1:4, that "inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade." for when I cannot stand, I can fall on this.

Derek and I were at the very end of a grueling 10 week class to become foster parents when all of this happened.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt Dad was our biggest supporter in this endeavor, so we knew we had to endure and complete the task set before us of becoming foster parents.

Grief then set in in such a way that there were days I could not physically get out of bed.  I could not care for myself, let alone my family or a child in desperate need of stability.  Thank the Lord again for his hope and stay and placing a wonderful counselor in my life to help me through this grief.  Do not get me wrong, there are days that are more difficult that I could have ever imagined, but the Lord is good and carries me through.

We also knew Dad would not want us to stand by and forgo our desire to adopt again.  He bent heaven and earth to help fund our first adoption.  After some conversations, we decided to begin pursuing our second adoption before finalizing our DHR licensure.  This was a difficult decision because somehow we felt like we were leaving God's calling on our life to go down another road, but again, the Lord is good.  He has given us a peace and paved a road for this adoption that could only be done by His mighty hand.

The cost is a little less, but not by much.  We will again be needing to fund an almost $30,000 adoption.  We will also be using the same agency, Lifeline Children's Services.  This agency is who our first adoption was with and our foster care classes.  They love the Lord and have a primary responsibility to birth mothers/families.  They share the gospel without hesitation or shame.  They live out going to your neighbor and showing the love of Christ.  This is why we have chosen to continue to grow our family with them.

Our fundraising for round 1 was extensive.  Though we will fundraise, we believe it will look drastically different.  Be on the lookout for what the Lord is orchestrating.

Behind the Scenes

Often I think my face tells a story of joy.  Many of those times my face is lying.  I paint on a smile and a happy word for the world when inside my heart is racing, I'm not quite sure of what day it is, and sometimes I couldn't tell you what happened just an hour before with complete clarity.

This is the life of anxiety mixed with depression mixed with PTSD mixed with cluster migraines mixed with busy mixed with Mom'ing a toddler.

I struggle to make "self care" a priority when I am needed in other facets of my life - being a mom, being a wife, being a business owner, church, the foster care process, and being a friend.  My dear WDD has reminded me over and over that when I'm not okay, none of those other aspects of my life are okay either.  If I am suffering my many hats tend to tilt or fall off and get completely neglected.

Many years ago I spent hour upon hour sitting on a couch in a counselor's office delving into why I thought I was "going crazy" just to find out that no, there are names to these things and there are healthy ways to live with them we just have to find my triggers and hone in on some coping skills.  (Of course there was a LOT more to it than that, but for time's sake there's the nutshell version)  Thursday I start again on another journey of seeking professional guidance.  I am equal parts excited and nervous.  There is a lot at stake with being vulnerable.  Here I type and it is an empty screen.  There I sit, I speak, and make eye contact which somehow makes the words and emotions come alive more than when I put them on paper.

We sing a song in church that says:
  "Lord I need you, oh I need you.
  Every hour I need you.
  When I cannot stand I'll fall on you.
  Jesus you're my hope and stay."
This is my cry, my plea. When my days are blurs of tears, confusion, frustration, and fear, I know and can stand firm in that the Lord cares for me and is faithful.  When I cannot stand, I can fall on him.  My strong tower and ever present help in times of trouble.  Where would I be without him?

Stay tuned.
  

Attachment and Security

I always thought a parent was either attached to their child or not attached.  Same with a child to his/her parent.  Until going through our multiple counseling sessions on the single topic of attachment did I understand so much more about the attachment of people.

When I say multiple sessions, I mean, Derek had one hour long grueling session just to talk about his childhood and the impact his parents made individually and together on him.  Then, I had to endure the same.  THEN, we both had to determine what our attachment was as children to our parents and how it has evolved into the attachment we have today/what our parenting attachment will be.  To say this is mentally and emotionally taxing would be putting things lightly.

Imagine having to pin point every positive and negative attribute of both of your parents then of yourself.  Imagine having to bring up and talk through every negative event which had occurred up to that point.  How did you react?  How did you cope?  How often do you think of that event?  How does it effect your life today?

Does all of this contribute to your attachment style?  Yup.  Sure do.

Your mom has one attachment style.
Your dad has one attachment style.
Your siblings each have their own attachment style.
You have your own attachment style and it is drawn from both of your parents' styles and your own personality.

Remember earlier when I said I thought it was a simple concept.  Yeah, not so simple anymore, is it?!

This is an excellent visual giving you an idea of what every person's attachment style is.  Our counselor told us that out of every adult in the world, only about 20% of them are Secure.  If you took all of the Secure adults, an even smaller percentage adopt.  

Over the past month or so, Derek and I have been forced to bridge incredibly difficult moments and attribute of our lives with the positive outcomes and attribute.  Completing our attachment style sessions was most assuredly in the running for a difficult moment.  

The most astounding thing about this whole attachment business is that we are all completely and utterly broken people.  I know that to be truth just from my beliefs of the Bible, but to see it in writing in a completely secular form, I am humbled yet again.  None of us has it all together, even our Secure friends out there struggle and at any point could vacillate to a different style just from experiencing certain life events.  

How wonderful, and yet utterly terrifying, is it that my brokenness can help heal someone else's brokenness?  My brokenness is used to care for and comfort a child who is also broken but doesn't know it yet.  My brokenness teaches me how to lean on the one who created me.  My brokenness is painful at times but the one who is whole always seems to fill in the gaps