I have always loved writing. I wrote to release frustration or to express joy or a prayer. When I couldn't say what I needed to out loud, I wrote it down. While in counseling, I've always been encouraged to write it out.
If you've been around for more than a minute, you know my life has been anything but a cake walk. Now, don't get me twisted, I've had many great tragedies but I've also had oh so many great joys that outweigh those tragedies or at least help ease the sharp edges of them.
I've thought and had many others tell me I should write a book. My thoughts go to "no one would want to read this" and "I'm not good enough to write a book" and "nobody knows me so why would I write out my life".
The past two years have been a struggle at many times and I keep coming back to "tell your story" and "write your book". Who knows where this will go, but here is my attempt to get my story out there. You, my blog readers, will get chunks of raw story bit by bit as I make my way through it all. Some of you will know parts all too well because you were there and lived it with me. Some of you will only know bits and pieces. In the end, I hope to express myself plainly, full of vulnerability, and transparency. I hope to bring glory to God because in the good and in the bad, He is sovereign and deserves all praise.
So….here we go...instalment #1
There are three things that have been a constant in my life: faith, food, and family (the biological kind and the friend as close as a brother kind). My earliest memories are of my Dad being in ministry. Church was a staple. If you aren't on your deathbed, you were at church and even then you should be so people could pray for you. Dad was always singing and going to school to finish his MDiv (Master of Divinity). On mornings after being up all night studying Greek or Hebrew, I would walk to the kitchen to find loaf pans filled with bread dough covered with every tea towel we owned waiting on them to rise.
Okay....that's all so far. It's not much, but to me it is a huge step. Stay tuned!
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Sunday, June 9, 2019
What If
I am queen of the "what if" game. Truly. I even read a book all about different "what if" scenarios and it was utterly fascinating.
We have recently been chosen by a birth mother to parent her child. We were elated. We were nervous. We were amazed at how quickly we were chosen. We were emmensly thankful.
We drove to meet our birth mother, which was new territory because we haven't had the priviledge to meet HW's birth mother. We spent a couple of hours holding this precious miracle and talking to his birth mother and grandmother. We got to know her. She loves sushi like me. She was in labor for three days before going to the doctor to find out she was already 3cm dialated 2 weeks early. She was eating pizza when the pain was too much and decided to go to the doctor. Her favorite color is blue. She has an infectious laugh and beautiful tattoos, one being of sunflowers going down her arm. She fights like cats and dogs with one of her siblings but only because they are so much alike. She's never been on a vacation in her life. She gave this baby a name based off of men in her life who meant something to her. She has been hurt deeply in her life. She loves this baby. She showed us the picture that made her choose us from our profile.
We held this precious child with long fingers and a head full of hair. He cooed at Derek's touch. He calmed the moment he got into Derek's arms. He wiggled and slept soundly. He is beautiful.
With mere hours left in her relinquishment time we learned she decided to parent.
We changed family plans to prepare for this baby. We discussed how to take pictures at my brother's wedding so he could be in them without violating the legal standards. We prepared. We dreamed of what life with two boys would be like.
We were left broken and empty. I could not sit in the same spot where that picture was taken. It pained, still pains, me to go into the nursery. I began the what ifs. What if I hadn't said we are dairy free knowing she loves pizza? What if we had chosen to use the name she picked? What if we had never met her? What if...
My big brother got married a week later. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I cried all day out of joy for him but also out of loss for all of us. We gained a beautiful and sweet sister but there was a void two-fold, Dad and baby boy.
For the past two weeks I've done everything to keep my mind and body busy knowing that I couldn't think on any of the joy or pitfalls at that moment for a myriad of reasons. I now sit at my computer with music playing in the background and Laura Story's "Blessing" comes on.
What if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you are near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?
Man, those what ifs are not what I had in mind. Those what ifs are oh so accurate though.
When darkness seems to win,
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
It's not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater
Thirst this world can't satisfy
The ultimate answer to all of my what ifs is just that, there is a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. My healing does not come from having a baby in my arms or my Dad to walk down an aisle. Days are sometimes dark with sorrow of loss, but praise God this is not my home. Praise God Dad is feasting at the ultimate wedding reception and joined with our savior. Praise God that despite the pain this birth mother has been shown the one who can satisfy and baby B has been given life.
We have recently been chosen by a birth mother to parent her child. We were elated. We were nervous. We were amazed at how quickly we were chosen. We were emmensly thankful.
We drove to meet our birth mother, which was new territory because we haven't had the priviledge to meet HW's birth mother. We spent a couple of hours holding this precious miracle and talking to his birth mother and grandmother. We got to know her. She loves sushi like me. She was in labor for three days before going to the doctor to find out she was already 3cm dialated 2 weeks early. She was eating pizza when the pain was too much and decided to go to the doctor. Her favorite color is blue. She has an infectious laugh and beautiful tattoos, one being of sunflowers going down her arm. She fights like cats and dogs with one of her siblings but only because they are so much alike. She's never been on a vacation in her life. She gave this baby a name based off of men in her life who meant something to her. She has been hurt deeply in her life. She loves this baby. She showed us the picture that made her choose us from our profile.
We held this precious child with long fingers and a head full of hair. He cooed at Derek's touch. He calmed the moment he got into Derek's arms. He wiggled and slept soundly. He is beautiful.
With mere hours left in her relinquishment time we learned she decided to parent.
We changed family plans to prepare for this baby. We discussed how to take pictures at my brother's wedding so he could be in them without violating the legal standards. We prepared. We dreamed of what life with two boys would be like.
We were left broken and empty. I could not sit in the same spot where that picture was taken. It pained, still pains, me to go into the nursery. I began the what ifs. What if I hadn't said we are dairy free knowing she loves pizza? What if we had chosen to use the name she picked? What if we had never met her? What if...
My big brother got married a week later. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I cried all day out of joy for him but also out of loss for all of us. We gained a beautiful and sweet sister but there was a void two-fold, Dad and baby boy.
For the past two weeks I've done everything to keep my mind and body busy knowing that I couldn't think on any of the joy or pitfalls at that moment for a myriad of reasons. I now sit at my computer with music playing in the background and Laura Story's "Blessing" comes on.
What if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you are near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?
Man, those what ifs are not what I had in mind. Those what ifs are oh so accurate though.
When darkness seems to win,
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
It's not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater
Thirst this world can't satisfy
The ultimate answer to all of my what ifs is just that, there is a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. My healing does not come from having a baby in my arms or my Dad to walk down an aisle. Days are sometimes dark with sorrow of loss, but praise God this is not my home. Praise God Dad is feasting at the ultimate wedding reception and joined with our savior. Praise God that despite the pain this birth mother has been shown the one who can satisfy and baby B has been given life.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
I need you
It is only fitting that the song playing in the background at this very moment is "Lord, I Need You" by Matt Maher.
Mmmm, what rich rich words about promises fulfilled by our Lord.
Anybody can attest to the truth of life changing on a dime with something as simple as a phone call. Ours did with the call that we had been chosen to be parents then again with the call that Derek had been pink slipped not once but twice and finally with a 3:30am call from my mom.
I knew the day would come that my phone would ring and someone would be on the other end telling me my dad had had a heart attack or a stroke. I knew it, but I feared it all the same. When that 3:30am call did come, I went on autopilot for the next ten days until his last breath was breathed.
We are now 49 days shy of one year since that final good-bye. One of the hardest things has been to keep going. Our life doesn't stop because his did. Business doesn't slow down. School doesn't stop. Babies don't stop having birthdays. Life continues no matter how dreary the days are or how hard Satan tries to steal your joy and your thoughts. The best part about life continuing is that so does the Lord. Praise God, good-bye for us was Welcome My Child for my dad. He met his Lord face to face and I can hear his deep bass voice singing Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah even now. Here on this dirty earth I can rest easy in, as Peter says in 1 Peter 1:4, that "inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade." for when I cannot stand, I can fall on this.
Derek and I were at the very end of a grueling 10 week class to become foster parents when all of this happened. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt Dad was our biggest supporter in this endeavor, so we knew we had to endure and complete the task set before us of becoming foster parents.
Grief then set in in such a way that there were days I could not physically get out of bed. I could not care for myself, let alone my family or a child in desperate need of stability. Thank the Lord again for his hope and stay and placing a wonderful counselor in my life to help me through this grief. Do not get me wrong, there are days that are more difficult that I could have ever imagined, but the Lord is good and carries me through.
We also knew Dad would not want us to stand by and forgo our desire to adopt again. He bent heaven and earth to help fund our first adoption. After some conversations, we decided to begin pursuing our second adoption before finalizing our DHR licensure. This was a difficult decision because somehow we felt like we were leaving God's calling on our life to go down another road, but again, the Lord is good. He has given us a peace and paved a road for this adoption that could only be done by His mighty hand.
The cost is a little less, but not by much. We will again be needing to fund an almost $30,000 adoption. We will also be using the same agency, Lifeline Children's Services. This agency is who our first adoption was with and our foster care classes. They love the Lord and have a primary responsibility to birth mothers/families. They share the gospel without hesitation or shame. They live out going to your neighbor and showing the love of Christ. This is why we have chosen to continue to grow our family with them.
Our fundraising for round 1 was extensive. Though we will fundraise, we believe it will look drastically different. Be on the lookout for what the Lord is orchestrating.
And where you are
Lord, I am free
Holiness
Is Christ in me
I need you
Oh I need you
Every hour I need you
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh God, how I need you
When I cannot stand
I'll fall on you
Jesus you're my hope and stay
Anybody can attest to the truth of life changing on a dime with something as simple as a phone call. Ours did with the call that we had been chosen to be parents then again with the call that Derek had been pink slipped not once but twice and finally with a 3:30am call from my mom.
I knew the day would come that my phone would ring and someone would be on the other end telling me my dad had had a heart attack or a stroke. I knew it, but I feared it all the same. When that 3:30am call did come, I went on autopilot for the next ten days until his last breath was breathed.
We are now 49 days shy of one year since that final good-bye. One of the hardest things has been to keep going. Our life doesn't stop because his did. Business doesn't slow down. School doesn't stop. Babies don't stop having birthdays. Life continues no matter how dreary the days are or how hard Satan tries to steal your joy and your thoughts. The best part about life continuing is that so does the Lord. Praise God, good-bye for us was Welcome My Child for my dad. He met his Lord face to face and I can hear his deep bass voice singing Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah even now. Here on this dirty earth I can rest easy in, as Peter says in 1 Peter 1:4, that "inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade." for when I cannot stand, I can fall on this.
Derek and I were at the very end of a grueling 10 week class to become foster parents when all of this happened. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt Dad was our biggest supporter in this endeavor, so we knew we had to endure and complete the task set before us of becoming foster parents.
Grief then set in in such a way that there were days I could not physically get out of bed. I could not care for myself, let alone my family or a child in desperate need of stability. Thank the Lord again for his hope and stay and placing a wonderful counselor in my life to help me through this grief. Do not get me wrong, there are days that are more difficult that I could have ever imagined, but the Lord is good and carries me through.
We also knew Dad would not want us to stand by and forgo our desire to adopt again. He bent heaven and earth to help fund our first adoption. After some conversations, we decided to begin pursuing our second adoption before finalizing our DHR licensure. This was a difficult decision because somehow we felt like we were leaving God's calling on our life to go down another road, but again, the Lord is good. He has given us a peace and paved a road for this adoption that could only be done by His mighty hand.
The cost is a little less, but not by much. We will again be needing to fund an almost $30,000 adoption. We will also be using the same agency, Lifeline Children's Services. This agency is who our first adoption was with and our foster care classes. They love the Lord and have a primary responsibility to birth mothers/families. They share the gospel without hesitation or shame. They live out going to your neighbor and showing the love of Christ. This is why we have chosen to continue to grow our family with them.
Our fundraising for round 1 was extensive. Though we will fundraise, we believe it will look drastically different. Be on the lookout for what the Lord is orchestrating.
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Behind the Scenes
Often I think my face tells a story of joy. Many of those times my face is lying. I paint on a smile and a happy word for the world when inside my heart is racing, I'm not quite sure of what day it is, and sometimes I couldn't tell you what happened just an hour before with complete clarity.
This is the life of anxiety mixed with depression mixed with PTSD mixed with cluster migraines mixed with busy mixed with Mom'ing a toddler.
I struggle to make "self care" a priority when I am needed in other facets of my life - being a mom, being a wife, being a business owner, church, the foster care process, and being a friend. My dear WDD has reminded me over and over that when I'm not okay, none of those other aspects of my life are okay either. If I am suffering my many hats tend to tilt or fall off and get completely neglected.
Many years ago I spent hour upon hour sitting on a couch in a counselor's office delving into why I thought I was "going crazy" just to find out that no, there are names to these things and there are healthy ways to live with them we just have to find my triggers and hone in on some coping skills. (Of course there was a LOT more to it than that, but for time's sake there's the nutshell version) Thursday I start again on another journey of seeking professional guidance. I am equal parts excited and nervous. There is a lot at stake with being vulnerable. Here I type and it is an empty screen. There I sit, I speak, and make eye contact which somehow makes the words and emotions come alive more than when I put them on paper.
We sing a song in church that says:
"Lord I need you, oh I need you.
Every hour I need you.
When I cannot stand I'll fall on you.
Jesus you're my hope and stay."
This is my cry, my plea. When my days are blurs of tears, confusion, frustration, and fear, I know and can stand firm in that the Lord cares for me and is faithful. When I cannot stand, I can fall on him. My strong tower and ever present help in times of trouble. Where would I be without him?
Stay tuned.
This is the life of anxiety mixed with depression mixed with PTSD mixed with cluster migraines mixed with busy mixed with Mom'ing a toddler.
I struggle to make "self care" a priority when I am needed in other facets of my life - being a mom, being a wife, being a business owner, church, the foster care process, and being a friend. My dear WDD has reminded me over and over that when I'm not okay, none of those other aspects of my life are okay either. If I am suffering my many hats tend to tilt or fall off and get completely neglected.
Many years ago I spent hour upon hour sitting on a couch in a counselor's office delving into why I thought I was "going crazy" just to find out that no, there are names to these things and there are healthy ways to live with them we just have to find my triggers and hone in on some coping skills. (Of course there was a LOT more to it than that, but for time's sake there's the nutshell version) Thursday I start again on another journey of seeking professional guidance. I am equal parts excited and nervous. There is a lot at stake with being vulnerable. Here I type and it is an empty screen. There I sit, I speak, and make eye contact which somehow makes the words and emotions come alive more than when I put them on paper.
We sing a song in church that says:
"Lord I need you, oh I need you.
Every hour I need you.
When I cannot stand I'll fall on you.
Jesus you're my hope and stay."
This is my cry, my plea. When my days are blurs of tears, confusion, frustration, and fear, I know and can stand firm in that the Lord cares for me and is faithful. When I cannot stand, I can fall on him. My strong tower and ever present help in times of trouble. Where would I be without him?
Stay tuned.
Monday, January 1, 2018
Here's to you 2018
Here are a few things I pray are found within 2018:
days filled with joy
abundant side splitting laughter
lasting conversations
growth in friendships new and old
everlasting impacts for the kingdom of God
making and eating delicious food
playing with HW
molding HW's heart, mind, and soul to lean on the Lord
my heart, mind, and soul molded even more to lean on the Lord
knitting
books, books, and more books
healing
greater strength in marriage
spontaneous moments
I couldn't find the words to say to bid 2017 farewell so instead I look to the future. More times than not, when I look to the past I trip up and fall, many times, on my face leaving me to get back up scratched and worn for wear. Like Doubting Thomas, when I look back, I sink. My eyes are removed from the full figure of the Lord right in front of me when I look back. So here is to 2018 and all of it's wonder.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Changes
2017 has been a year for the books. Big changes have happened and life is completely different.
Derek learned he was appointed the Track coach at school. Even though he has a love of running, teaching others to do so and to run to win was a horse of a different color. At the end of the season he, in fact, fell in love with the sport and spoke of how he looked forward to the next school year.
Our HW turned one. What a delight. He challenges us constantly. Parenting brings out the best and the worst in me and at the end of the day when he looks at me with those big brown eyes and says "Night Night Mama" and plants the biggest kiss right on my mouth I know I wouldn't want life to be any other way.
We tore apart a giant raised deck in our back yard, reconfigured the patio made of pavers, and had new LVT installed all throughout our home. I felt as if my summer was one big show on HGTV without the six figure budget.
Derek and I prayed and sought wise counsel over becoming foster parents. We then completed an intense 10 week class and are currently in the end stages of becoming licensed foster parents for respite care. Respite care is short term care provided for a myriad of reasons. Being a foster parent and DHR social worker are hard hard jobs and ones that are taken for granted regularly.
Eight weeks ago I got a phone call at 3:30am that something was wrong with my Dad and that he was being taken to the hospital via ambulance. Immediately I dressed and headed to the hospital to end up beating the ambulance there. For the next week doctors and nurses worked to find an answer to what happened to him to bring us to a point of being in an ICU room on machines with good days followed by horrible days. It was excruciating. We didn't sleep. We walked the halls of the hospital at all hours of the day and night. We didn't eat. How can you? One week after being admitted, a neurologist came in after doing a CAT Scan. Dad had had a stroke at some point causing massive damage. Damage that no amount of medicine, therapy, or time could fix. To know my Dad meant to know his humor, his knowledge, his love of outdoors and his grandson. Also to know my Dad meant to know his faults and he had many. He was the most stubborn human being on the face of the planet. The apple does not fall far from the tree. If his mind was set on something, there was no changing it come hell or high water. Despite the faults, he was the most generous person I've ever known. He taught me by example what it means to literally give the shirt off my back and to trust that the Lord will provide. The last thing he did was to load up my old twin bed, bring it to my house, and put it together so that HW could transition to a big boy bed. The last thing he did was not for himself but for others. When that neurologist showed that scan and told us the severity of the situation we were facing we knew it was time. We knew it was time to say goodbye. You see, that was part of his generosity. He gave us time to mourn and grieve by packing ICU6 to the brim with people from all the years to tell stories, jokes, sing, and read scripture together. He waited until Derek could leave school and say goodbye before he breathed his last. He knew we needed to recall the good.
I quit my job as a Montessori toddler assistant to work full time with Mom at our family business. It's not a flashy business but one Dad loved with all of his heart. We run a campground that is beautiful. It is where Derek and I married almost six years ago with Dad and my brother officiating. It was his life. It is my life. I miss my Montessori babies and family but am challenged physically and mentally everyday now and that is very healing.
HW has started a Mom's Day Out two days a week. He has been such a trooper and I know in time he will love school but for now it is yet another transition his little head and heart have to venture though.
In a conversation with friends full of venting struggles and questions about life a sweet friend made an impactful statement: "Right now who you need to foster is yourself and your own heart." She is right. How can I foster a child's broken heart when I haven't done so for my own?
Change is hard but it is necessary. The puzzle of life gets thrown down into a million pieces only to be put back together in a different order sometimes. You always start with the four corners and work your way in. I've found my corners. They are dented and a little discolored and now it is time to put it all back together.
Derek learned he was appointed the Track coach at school. Even though he has a love of running, teaching others to do so and to run to win was a horse of a different color. At the end of the season he, in fact, fell in love with the sport and spoke of how he looked forward to the next school year.
Our HW turned one. What a delight. He challenges us constantly. Parenting brings out the best and the worst in me and at the end of the day when he looks at me with those big brown eyes and says "Night Night Mama" and plants the biggest kiss right on my mouth I know I wouldn't want life to be any other way.
We tore apart a giant raised deck in our back yard, reconfigured the patio made of pavers, and had new LVT installed all throughout our home. I felt as if my summer was one big show on HGTV without the six figure budget.
Derek and I prayed and sought wise counsel over becoming foster parents. We then completed an intense 10 week class and are currently in the end stages of becoming licensed foster parents for respite care. Respite care is short term care provided for a myriad of reasons. Being a foster parent and DHR social worker are hard hard jobs and ones that are taken for granted regularly.
Eight weeks ago I got a phone call at 3:30am that something was wrong with my Dad and that he was being taken to the hospital via ambulance. Immediately I dressed and headed to the hospital to end up beating the ambulance there. For the next week doctors and nurses worked to find an answer to what happened to him to bring us to a point of being in an ICU room on machines with good days followed by horrible days. It was excruciating. We didn't sleep. We walked the halls of the hospital at all hours of the day and night. We didn't eat. How can you? One week after being admitted, a neurologist came in after doing a CAT Scan. Dad had had a stroke at some point causing massive damage. Damage that no amount of medicine, therapy, or time could fix. To know my Dad meant to know his humor, his knowledge, his love of outdoors and his grandson. Also to know my Dad meant to know his faults and he had many. He was the most stubborn human being on the face of the planet. The apple does not fall far from the tree. If his mind was set on something, there was no changing it come hell or high water. Despite the faults, he was the most generous person I've ever known. He taught me by example what it means to literally give the shirt off my back and to trust that the Lord will provide. The last thing he did was to load up my old twin bed, bring it to my house, and put it together so that HW could transition to a big boy bed. The last thing he did was not for himself but for others. When that neurologist showed that scan and told us the severity of the situation we were facing we knew it was time. We knew it was time to say goodbye. You see, that was part of his generosity. He gave us time to mourn and grieve by packing ICU6 to the brim with people from all the years to tell stories, jokes, sing, and read scripture together. He waited until Derek could leave school and say goodbye before he breathed his last. He knew we needed to recall the good.
I quit my job as a Montessori toddler assistant to work full time with Mom at our family business. It's not a flashy business but one Dad loved with all of his heart. We run a campground that is beautiful. It is where Derek and I married almost six years ago with Dad and my brother officiating. It was his life. It is my life. I miss my Montessori babies and family but am challenged physically and mentally everyday now and that is very healing.
HW has started a Mom's Day Out two days a week. He has been such a trooper and I know in time he will love school but for now it is yet another transition his little head and heart have to venture though.
In a conversation with friends full of venting struggles and questions about life a sweet friend made an impactful statement: "Right now who you need to foster is yourself and your own heart." She is right. How can I foster a child's broken heart when I haven't done so for my own?
Change is hard but it is necessary. The puzzle of life gets thrown down into a million pieces only to be put back together in a different order sometimes. You always start with the four corners and work your way in. I've found my corners. They are dented and a little discolored and now it is time to put it all back together.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Dear Husband
Dear Husband,
I loved you before I knew I loved you. That day in that English class that we passed notes while Betty taught. That day at Zea's we sat and you dropped your guarded wall and shared your heart with me. That night at Bellingrath Gardens where I laughed so hard.
Your wit and sarcasm and knowledge has kept me on my toes. Your heart and gentle spirit always supplies a place of rest when the world is anything but. Your unwavering love of the Lord and how you guide our family only makes my love for you stronger.
You are a gift I do not deserve and take for granted regularly.
There are days that are bad. Real bad. Those days are nothing in comparison to the seconds and minutes I get to spend in your arms, hearing you say "I love you", and knowing you do. With a past of fake love and a heart broken time and time again, I can rest in the knowledge that you hold this bruised and broken heart with a tender touch and forgive freely.
Forever yours,
Your undeserving mess of a wife
I loved you before I knew I loved you. That day in that English class that we passed notes while Betty taught. That day at Zea's we sat and you dropped your guarded wall and shared your heart with me. That night at Bellingrath Gardens where I laughed so hard.
Your wit and sarcasm and knowledge has kept me on my toes. Your heart and gentle spirit always supplies a place of rest when the world is anything but. Your unwavering love of the Lord and how you guide our family only makes my love for you stronger.
You are a gift I do not deserve and take for granted regularly.
There are days that are bad. Real bad. Those days are nothing in comparison to the seconds and minutes I get to spend in your arms, hearing you say "I love you", and knowing you do. With a past of fake love and a heart broken time and time again, I can rest in the knowledge that you hold this bruised and broken heart with a tender touch and forgive freely.
Forever yours,
Your undeserving mess of a wife
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